Director: Todd Sheets
Writer: Todd Sheets
Starring: John O’Hara, Rachel Lagen and Bobby Westrick
Cursed demonic circus clowns set out on a vengeful massacre using tornadoes. A stripper, Elvis impersonator, truck driver, teen runaway, and a dude get caught in the supernatural battle between femme fatale and the boss clown from hell.
C. This comment will probably be made by the others but going in to a movie called Clownado comes with a certain understanding, a SyFy channel movie of the week. I’ll say on a positive note that this must have been a blast to make among friends who wanted to take their chances at making a movie. For finishing it, I commend them because it’s no easy task.
The issue I have with a lot of these scary clown movies as of late is ultimately a clown is a performer with a level of charisma and talent (it’s a very difficult art that takes years to master). Yet, in the modern incarnation of the scary clown there’s no charisma or fun to convince us that they could maintain a show that people would even want to go see. This takes it to the extreme of these clowns feel more like goons from some 1940s noir that decided to throw on makeup for a quick buck.
This gets me into the script, which is based around murderous clowns and kind of a revenge plot but let’s not get too tied down to narrative shall we? 1/3 of the dialogue is written like a noir with all the cheesy lines and the voices to follow, 1/3 is written like normal present day speech, and 1/3 goes to extreme hillbilly stereotype. And none of them work. It’s obvious there wasn’t much focus, which is what could have taken the movie from what it is to at least enter the realm of Mystery Science Theater fans.
If you’ve been reading our stuff or know me, there is an understanding that I’ll ramble on about theory, throw out lots of references, play Devil’s advocate, all those joyous things to make you (the reader) bored… This time I’m truly at a loss for words.
J. Based on the title alone you would expect this to be something along the lines of the dumb-as-hell Sharknado films but surprisingly you would be wrong. Somehow, this is worse. The production had twenty-six producers who must’ve all pitched in their last $10. The acting ranges from mediocre to downright atrocious. Hardly any of the so called plot made a damn bit of sense. The murderous clown gang were all annoyingly grating, especially the lead one, Big Ronnie, who the director must’ve told, “just act like the worst version of The Joker you can possibly do.”. You’ll want to punch the mother fucker yourself after hearing his laugh for the second or third time and you’ll still have to suffer through it another fifty before the credits roll. There’s grue aplenty but everything is shot in extreme close up for reasons I can only speculate and every body is filled with an orange jelly looking substance for some reason. I will say that nothing ever really gets boring but that isn’t even close to being enough of a reason to sit through this thing. For some damn reason, Linnea Quigley makes an appearance which has got to be a new career low for her. I’m sorry it came to this Linneah. To make matters even more complicated, the titular “clownado” is merely a way for the supernatural murdering clown gang to get around instead of getting from place to place in a tiny fucking car which might’ve been a slight improvement?
K. My expectations were low with a title like Clownado but they couldn’t sink fast enough to keep up with this disaster. Let’s start with the acting. It is community theater level all around. The performances are wooden, awkward and hurried. It seems as if the director forced his friends, who have no interest or experience, to be in the film. There’s random close ups of “gore effects” which are really just lots of fake blood and hunks of fake flesh. It’s not scary. It’s not funny. It’s just sad. There are arbitrary drone shots in an attempt to fake production value, as if the audience would be fooled. I don’t take pleasure in bashing movies, but Clownado exists and I watched...and I have regrets. I would rather chug a gallon of diesel and swallow a match than watch this again.
Now that I think about it there is one redeeming quality about Clownado, it made me realize how little time we have in this life and how we shouldn’t squander it watching films like this.
C. I’d love to have a discussion on the movie but there’s really not a lot to be said. Clownado is what I’d call a “For The Laughs” movie. This does not mean it’s necessarily funny or “so bad it’s enjoyable” but it’s one of those ideas that doesn’t have enough substance to actually be made. Everyone in this creative field has some project that is ridiculous and was most likely birthed from you and your friends shooting the shit over drinks (I have one too). These ideas may sound like a blast when describing them but that’s all you’ll get from it.
J. Bottom line: this was rough to even get through. For numerous reasons that we’ve outlined and some we probably didn’t just so we wouldn’t have to think about this fucker again. For me there were two extremely important things that didn’t work in this film: 1) the story made no sense at all. If we can’t follow what’s happening, you better be creative as all hell or it makes viewing a goddamn chore. 2) the acting was just God awful. Again, this makes getting through anything a goddamn chore. Better luck next time to these folks and hopefully the next film is watchable at the very least.
K. [See above, re: self-immolation]
Bloodhound’s average score: ½ out of 5